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December in Toronto




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Oh hotel bed
You have captured me
As a fly in spider silk
I must find a way out back to my life
But your envelopment is sweetly embracing
Just, one more minute…

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Advancing within the newly found tomb

Ahead of the crews of destroyers

Cameras were slung round their sweat moistened necks

Flashlights in hand , knives in other

Wandering deep into cold stony quiet

Unknowingly  passing by Mother

Alcoves were filled with remains of the dead

All tied to the rocks with taut  chain

A slit in the rock ‘neath the head of each corpse

To drain away liquefied brain

Each left wrist was encircled by a leather bracelet

Carved with depictions of Hells

And on each of these wrappings was securely tied

A series of tiny gold bells

And they trod through the dust and the roots and the bones

Until far down below at the end of the path

When the batteries needed a change

A sound from above then it rose like a wind

A tinkling, metal and strange

It took them a while, they had nowhere to run

And they doused the lights, hid in the dark

And the sounds of the bells and the clattering feet

Proceeded their way, eyes of spark

And she led the way, she who was Mother

And the army moved quiet as steam

And descended ‘pon those who transgressed their long sleep

They had nothing to do but to scream


Oh coffee you glorious brown woman
You always bring me up
You never let me down
You bring awareness to the weary
Happiness to the sad
Thoughts to the mind of the artist
You are a gift from the earth

Oh coffee you wonderful well tanned girl
You make me stable
You bring the joy of early hour clarity
You don’t let me slip back into the arms of Morpheus
Doze into a haze of sloth
Relax my grip on what need be done
You are a dear friend from the sunny climes

Oh coffee you liquid probation officer
You make me normal(ish)
You make it possible to get out the damn door and into the damn car
Waker of me
Creator of the senses
You keep me from killing people every single day…

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Astrology for December

Astrology is bunk. It is impossible for stars/celestial bodies that far away to have any measurable effect on a human’s life, their moods, their emotions or their personalities. That and the “signs” that were derived oh, a gazillion years ago, should have changed since that time due to the motion of said celestial bodies through the sky relative to our own motion. i.e. If you were born in the sign of Gemini back in 1400, you wouldn’t be “Gemini” today.. but the proponents of faeries, dragons, homeopathy and astrology always ignore science and reality so they don’t care.

However. For fun. I will give you my own personal zodiac predictions for the next month. What the hell, this could become a regular thing. Only the stars know.. (oooo eeee ooooh..)



Mysterious, mystical you. Your birthday is coming. You will get less presents or gifts this month than someone whose birthday is later on after the solstice for some mystical reason. Smile anyways. At least you won’t have it as bad as… Lucky number 13


Don’t be a dick. Everyone knows your birthday is around Xmas and you get less gifts but talking about it will only get you additional dollar store crap. Have another drink or two and warm up the snow blower. Lucky number 8675309


Expect some free time on weekends unless you are a football fan because it is rerun season and Xmas movie/special season. It’s cold out. Stock up on egg nog before it leaves the shelves and wear more blue. Lucky letter F, Number 71


Hey water bearer dude and dudettes. It’s the wrong time of year to bear water. New Year’s will soon be you and luckily unlike Pisces (all of whom have red hair!) you have a date! Even if it’s just your cat or a picture of a cat or a video of a friends cat or a stranger’s cat. Cats! Happy Cat Day!


You soul stealing ginger you! Go forth and pretend it is spring! Heating bills will drop off soon so throw a sweater on your lovely chunky ginger self and be thankful for your insulating layers! At least you aren’t as lonely as those dark and goth Aquarius people! Live it up! Lucky sound, an oboe.


Angry god of war yet baby of spring! Explain that oh stars! Start watching professional soccer this month as the half season is near end. Bet on the top team and pretend you are a fan of the third place team. This will get you a few free drinks from the Pisces in the pub (just don’t trust them with your children or cat!) Lucky number, 1


Idea for a t-shirt for you this month: “I’m a Taurus, wanna run with a bull?”. Feel free to use it at the company Xmas party. People already thing you are a pushy prick so it won’t be considered inappropriate. Lucky smell, cheese toast and juniper. Lucky smell, napalm (in the morning, rawr).


Xmas pickup line for you “I’m Gemini baby, well hung twice..”. Works after a few hours of heavy drinking and if you are a man. If you are a woman, you could try something along the lines of “I have a twin sister, lets party” but that will only work if you have a twin sister or you are planning to bludgeon a drunk guy who tries to take you home and steal his wallet. As all Gemini’s are well known to be sociopaths, you will find this funny if not “a good plan” if you lose your job. Loneliest Number, 1


Nobody likes Cancer.


You, Ares and Taurus are the testosterone crew! Hang out with a few of them this month! At a bar! Drink, pick up chicks! Quote Wil Ferrell! Go back to one of your places after you fail and play Xbox because honestly women suck. They don’t get your humour. Trivia: there are no female Leos. Lucky garment, sock (the left one).


Use your sign as a way to break into conversations about the Christmas Story. If lonely works, play up the “virgin birth” angle. Stock up on batteries, it’s a long, cold winter ahead. Lucky.. oh nevermind. Spring is coming…


Oh you icon of justice and balance. It is your job to mediate arguments at the corporate or family parties as usual this year. Watch cartoons, blog about their hidden meaning. Buy a cat. Cancer is likely not doing anything if no one is listening to you. Call them. Lucky thought, clouds. Ones shaped like dragons.


Again this year you must spend time defending your sign namesake. Bands, characters in movies and books, anyone named Scorpio is a dick. You are sensitive, quiet, thoughtful, pleasant. Let people know this. Do NOT again discuss plans for world domination, dealing with the “Islamic threat” or immigrants. Do not call your cottage your “compound”. Lucky bird, the Toucan.

Watch “Friday December the 5th – It’s getting colder Dance Partay” on YouTube

Friday December the 5th – It’s getting colder Dance Partay:

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Heinz “British Style” canned beans – a review


I’ve been DEATHLY ill for two days. I didn’t even get out of bed till 3:30 pm yesterday. It was horrid. My stomach tried to kill me the ungrateful Bastard. As soon as I felt better (yay drugs and a Wolverine like metabolism and immune system) I ate dinner, then a second dinner, then smoked kippers then a pb sandwich. Fuck you stomach.

My wife took me out grocery shopping quite late as I needed to get the hell out of the house. I lasted an hour or so before I started to feel a bit unwell, ate a kids meal (man need food if man go to gym day after sickness) and bought these. If I have never told you, beans at breakfast are GOOD.

Result, quite nice. I always prefer tomato-based beans over the super-sweet molasses-based ones. These are even less sweet. A little pepper and I am in a foreign country, bumping up my fibre over morning nosh.

4 out of 5 stars.

(I promise a better review tomorrow. I was sick and still a little drugged up. Oh look , a unicorn…)

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Blackest Friday Dance Party Playlist on Youtube… enjoy

Bullet Points


I am currently assisting a school chum (I hate that term but “hot chick I used to go to school with and fawn over” sounds so dorky) with a reunion.  We both came to the realization that we both like bullet points. Here are my top ten reasons why they are awesome (in no order as I am making this up as I go):

·         you can skip capitalization, punctuation and proper grammar just because
·         if making a presentation you can use them to prompt discussion
·         a full 75% of them can be mumbo-jumbo and you talk around them
·         It takes very little skill to throw a list together yet looks awesome
·         Unlike a bar chart or spreadsheet you can thrown a random value in a bullet and usually get away with it (i.e. “a full 75% of them can be mumbo-jumbo”
·         Synergy
·         Everybody stand and stretch (while I try to remember what I was talking about)
·         People don’t read text, people read bullet points
·         You can slip half a joke into a presentation in the middle of a list
·         “A Fraid Knot” !!!
·         Discussion

But enough about bullet points. Reunion. Oh ye gods a reunion.  I went to one in 1997 with my girlfriend (now wife) and was pleased to sit with a few good friends, talk to some people I hadn’t seen in 10+ years and scornfully not stand when people I disliked back in HS came over to say hi (feigning a pleasant demeanor, pretending I didn’t want to crank them in the teeth). Now however, I am a bit more relaxed and resigned to forget transgressions of the past. A list of people I no longer wish to crank in the teeth:

·         Jean jacket guy
·         Afro guy
·         Dumb guy who did what Salesman guy said including tormenting me, stealing my lunch, shoving me around
·         Teacher who I accused of banging female students who ended up marrying one
·         Kid who moonwalked who I had no reason to dislike as he did detract the jerks from pestering me and the nerds
·         Smarmy rich girl #3
·         Salesman Guy
(He’s still on the list.  He is a dick.)


So, will I attend?  Yes.  I’m kind of resigned to do so. 

Will I enjoy it? Likely, but only to see people I actually like.

What will I most be looking forward to?:

·         Having an even better reason to go to the gym more than I currently do
·         Being able to brag/complain about how I have to get my hair cut every three weeks “I WISH I was going bald like you!”
·         Having a reason to get my Audi waxed
·         Get to wear a bowtie and look down at people that would have in 1984 teased me about it
·         Explaining that I never ever return to my hometown except to visit my mother because it is a hive of scum and villainy and I am making an exception
·         Writing about it after the fact
·         Doing the Stephen Colbert  mic drop on the stage

Posted from WordPress for Android by that guy that runs the place


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